i know this is really crazy. first day of my year 3 is tmr, or rather, later.

and....

I AM NOT SLEEPING YET. i can't seem to get to sleepp. rolled and turn and finally could not stand it any longer.

i dont know is it the coke light that i drank earlier on taking effect. if it really is, it shall replace kopi in future.

talking abt that, i am trying to cut down on my caff intake. i really need to detox all this rubbish out. so, i have a tiny treatment plan for myself.

i have been adding milo and one teaspoonful of coffee powder for breakfast drink. and not pure kopi. that's step one.

but more often than not, i am tempted to drink coffee for lunch cos i really dont want to risk not being able to concentrate whilst seeing a patient!

hmmm. i m really quite determined not to allow caffeine to take over my life. i can make it without caffeine. amen. haha.

talking about not being able to sleep, i think i know the ans. its not the coke light. i know is just that my head is really full. full to the brim.

so many things in my head. my heart is connected, and is feeling the weight. not the dread-y weight? but, just cant help but feeling a little heavy.

i guess its just that sooo many things have happened, that i dunno where to start, and perhaps, even where to end.

and sometimes, i will just stare in the mirror while i am brushing my teeth and question myself about myself.

sometimes, i m really not sure who i really am. sometimes, i wonder if i am up to the mark. sometimes, i question where i am where i am now. sometimes, i m not really certain if i am really extending the purpose that He has for me for where He has placed me.

u know, sometimes it really scares me. it really grips me to know how fine the walking rope is, in walking towards Him? imagine those acrobats who does all the walking on thin ropes in the high airs. yeah. thats what i meant.

you cannot afford to be negligent. you cannot afford to lose your concentration. you cannot afford to stop, sit on the rope and whine when u feel scared or tired. no you cant, and you shouldnt.

you just walk on! and walk each step with greater faith. walk each step knowing you are for sure, one step closer to the finishing spot. you walk on knowing that you will die once you stop your momentum. and dont ever think of turning back! its crazy and ridiculus.

but its also the very me that i m crying to the Lord not too long ago. why did u put me in such a spot, literally.

why did u allow me to go thru such exhilarating walks.

why did u send me to walk on such 1mm rope.

why did u even choose me.

and i dont know if anyone, someone or everyone can tell, i am actually quite an emo person.

but i have learnt to take captivity of unworthy thoughts as i grew closer to Him for the past yrs.

i am still the old emo mx. but with more self-control as well.

and i hate the feeling of wanting to whine so LOUDLY but yet at the same time, i feel disgusted at myself for whining. hahas.

haiya.

and so I was reminded:

that You put exhilarating walks for me so to expose me. to the vulnerabilities of the environment. to the harshest of the world. and at the same time, to experience the adrenaline of really walking at the edge for You.

You made me walk on tight thin ropes to help me watch and place each and every single of my step CAREFULLY and STEADILY. a careless step, down u go.

You chose me, cos You have prepared me. You have trained me on the grounds to walk on ropes. Now, try something more exciting. challenge the ropes in air. its a privilege.

the journey with the Lord takes my breath away many times u know? literally, figuratively yada yada yada. and i feel soooooooo honoured, really, to be able to serve Him.

though my legs are shivering fr the height, i know i am not going to fall.

i am really quite determined to meet Him on the other side.

and I am ready to strike away the word "quite" quite soon.

yeah. bring it on. :)