today's the third day of christmas. :)

was watching grey's anatomy just now. a fantastic show. i am really attracted to the show. i dunno why.

it managed to capture my attention for the full length of the show. usually, i will be really fidgety by midlength of the show? but the story managed to keep me on.

about a bunch of interns. who were having their internship at SGH..hahahhahaha! wellwell, not singapore general hospital, but seattle grace hospital.

perhaps its cos i am having attachment now, tts why i feel exceptionally like this show speaks to me. hahas! the hospital scenes, the supervisor scene, the canteen scene, the books scene, the friends scene, the patients scene..but i think just that i dont have the operating table scene. (thank GOD very much for that!) hahahhas.

i really admire the doctors in this show. their commitment. their ability to handle stress. performing under stress. and yet, not forgetting fun and some humour as well. :)

the key person which attracted me is of cos, none other than meredith.

a few lines which she shared captured my heart.

things like..something like tt.."i cannot think of a hundred ways why i want to be a doctor, but i can think of a thousand ways why i want to quit."

and she still hung on. :)

i think the key is about PASSION. passion drives. passion stirs ur heart. passion boils ur blood.

when she shared that, it really struck me. cos i was just thinking about the issue of being a Christ follower as well. i was just thinking back of the one yr ive spent in the poly ministry. last christmas to this yr's.

and i was just reading the card deb gave me this morn. she wrote along the borders, something like : Member, cg mate, shep, leader..

i was thinking. hey, i din realised that. but yeah, its a process of my spiritual growth for the past one yr. thank God for Deb who reminded me with the card.

really. sometimes, its just so hard to state down a hundred reasons why i am still serving Him, or even leading a flock for Him, with the amount of rejections, misunderstandings, commitment, tears, sweat, time, energy..everything.

and for the above same reasons, its so simple to come up with a thousand reasons (or should i say excuses..haha) why i should quit.

but, as i ponder, i realised, whoever told u the statement which has the higher number of reasons wins? :)

i only need One reason, of credibility and Truth, to make me retain this commitment for Him. and of cos, the reason is Jesus.

not saying these cos its christmas tho.

i find it hard, or perhaps even impossible, for those who truly experience Jesus, to want to leave Him and forsake Him. no way.

this is my 4th "Christ"mas. Christmas with Christ in it. :) amazing journey.

was not a bed of roses. had doubts. carnal nature. driven by the world many times.

but i thank Him for not giving up on me. for the many times, He pruned me and showed His grace upon me.

and also for the many people who did not give up on me as well, who really poured out their life for me. thanks.

for this Christmas thanksgiving, it was important for me to realise, that i am here, because someone had the faith, that i will come to know Jesus one day, no matter how impossible it may seem in human understanding.

and i thank God for their Faith.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see..."- Hebrews 11:1

sometimes, i try to imagine my life now without Jesus. rewinding my days back to 21 July 2002. And starting again from there to now.. 27 Dec 2005.

Hmm..

i will still be someone who is very driven by achievements, someone who is easily stressed out, someone who is ever self-centred, someone who cannot be bothered to talk to people whenever she is tired. someone who complains. someone who will never think of doing beyond what's required, someone contented with life. someone who aims to work in an occupation which pays superbly well. or maybe, someone who is happily hitched with some guy now. Hahahhahahahhas!

perhaps, no one can really identify the amount of grace poured in me except myself. I am not a saint now. definitely not. i m still full of flaws, falling short of a lot of standards.

but the love of God really compells me, to follow Jesus's example, to people He met.

When u seek Him with all your mind, soul, heart and strength, its amazing how He can work through u. Often, i do stupid things that i feel like i am the most foolish person on earth, or by human standards, but time and time again, He carried me through in circumstances where His grace comforts me and strengthens me. Beyond my understanding. His protection upon me is always there. when i am desperate for help, He sents people who helps me just in the way i need. whenever i find it impossible to finish a task, He provides me with strength, resources and even the right people to carry me thru. many many other testimonies.

Really. Jesus. You ve showed me the reason to live.